Using Humor
For something to do during Covid, my husband and I took Dr. Laurie Santos’ Happiness class on Coursera. We did the coursework during the week and then fired up the Solo stove, opened a bottle of wine, and talked about our findings on consecutive Friday evenings. Early on in the course, the homework included a test that ranked signature strengths, creativity was number one for me and humor was number two. I don’t remember anything after that because I was blown the heck away that humor was considered a signature strength!
I am funny, or maybe quick with wit, and I have never shied away from a zingy one-liner. Off-color humor is my jam, except that it might get me in trouble today so I practice KYC with my audience! It gets me in trouble with my own kids at times — “you can’t say that” — I am told. But here’s the thing, back in the day that sense of humor got me into other types of sticky situations.
In business situations, there were good and bad ways to use humor. It always helped loosen up a conversation in business development, however, it wasn’t good to use as a crutch in a difficult conversation. Often enough, men interpreted me making them laugh to mean that I wanted them to hit on me. I did not. It was ridiculously predictable. My then-boyfriend, now husband, would always tell me “you are too funny, too nice and men don’t understand that is your personality, they think you are into them.”
That line got us into a helluva lot of fights. Why couldn’t I just be me? But humor as an aphrodisiac has been confirmed by Susan Pinker’s Weekend WSJ article “Scientific Tips for Post-Covid Flirting.” “In the past, being funny was a pivotal trait for a man, but a woman’s jokes often didn’t register. Now, the paper shows, humor is a gender-equal form of flirting.”
Two issues with that, what if — as a woman — my jokes did land? And if that was part of my intelligence or my signature strength, why should it be considered flirting? Couldn’t I be funny without flirting? That is infuriating. It is a joy to make people laugh, and if I can do it easily, why wouldn’t I make people laugh?
I learned about the male-female power of humor in an episode of Sex in the City, where Big seeks Carrie out in a coffee shop where she works. She is kind of shocked to see him as he is typically chasing fashion models but he says, “you always go back to the one who makes you laugh.” My first pop-culture reference to humor as a powerful form of communication.
Maybe Carrie was flirting, but I also think she was being herself. She was shining her signature strength of humor. I never stopped trying to be funny, I just got quicker at telling a colleague, someone new at a conference, or a volunteer job, that I am funny by nature when the signals got misinterpreted.
Now, older and wiser, I can be funny as much or as little as I choose to be without someone trying to get into my pants. If humor is a signature strength, use it at all the right times because people can always use a chuckle. Humor is not always about flirting. Interpret a woman’s humor wisely, she might just be really funny.
